ON THE ROAD!!!!

I know it has been forever since i have posted on the blog but no worries i have TONS of topics to write about just being getting things together for the great voyage to the west!!! cant wait its happening so sooN!!!! march 8th I will be west bound!!! MONTANA HERE I COME!!! thank you for being patient :)

Lovey Dovey....ewww!!!

I hope everybody had a wonderful valentines day!! filled with love and flowers and happiness! Mine was filled with take out, glee, dog toys and WINE! but I was happy - - and that is what matters right?!?  I feel like with a beautiful pair of High Heels, a sexy black dress & a couple shots of tequila I could take over the world!!! {one day it will happen} I logged into my facebook and I was bombarded with facebook status' and pictures of flowers they had received that day...it was a lot.


I wish I could click my heels and be in Montana right now!! That would be amazing. Today I am going to my storage unit and seperating my stuff that I have left into three piles.


1) What I have to have out there.....old work clothes, coffee pot :), dog crate, etc.
2) What I need to have out there.....comforter, bed linens, boots, shampoo, etc.
3) What I want to have out there.....scrapbook stuff, high heels [pretty sure those are a need though] etc.


I orginally was going to sell my books, but I just LOVE books....I haven't gotten into the whole Kendall thing because I just love actually having a book. something about it. I still have a library card!!! no joke. My mom offered to buy me a kendall for my travels, but i dont want one. I know that sounds selfish...plus ive made tons of notes in the books for my one day book :) it will happen, ive said it for about two years now, but for some reason events just keep happening to me...so i keep having new and informative topics to write about!! its gonna be a good one!! hehe. that is an advantage to being out in montana, it will give me a lot of "me" time.


i smell the coffee calling my name!! I hope you all have a blessed day!! keep your fingers crossed for travels in the NEAR NEAR future!! Happy Valentines Day to all!!

Oh Snap!!!!

Ya ever met someone who wrote when they were happy or when things were going their way? its insane right? You would think you would want to share to the world your good out comings!!!! So I have been really busy this week and obviously haven't had time to write in this blog, but also things have been going great!!!  I am in the process to moving out west - - which is where I love!!! DUKE beat UNC in basketball!!! NC State won, I had a very successful yard sale,I got a new car,  things are just going great!!! I love it. I love the moments that happen and allow you to almost erase the negativity in the world, and not just the whole world but mainly your world. Because that is what really matters the most! All the evil in world cannot stop someone who is happy within themselves! That is the ultimate defense! BE HAPPY. Love your life, learn to walk away and let go. That was my hardest obstacle to overcome. letting go, I did it that was what this weekend was all about!! I sold so many beautiful things at the yard sale for like $1 that was SOOO hard!! But i needed to LET GO! 
So I did, and now I'm planning by voyage to move forward!! yay! 

40 day Challenge!!!

Today I will be starting the 40 day challenge by Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life with a very very dear friend of mine!! I can not wait to see what I gain from this experience - - the hardest part will be only reading one chapter a day and not anymore! I love books!! I will keep you informed!! 

Missed Connections

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I even have a heart anymore, and i obviously do or I wouldn't be sitting here writing so then I think I must have some "missed connections" a little wiring problem.  i don't think my feelings, or emotions are connected to the nerve endings to my heart. Either that or I am just a cold hearted person. [which that might be the real reason] Its gone, I feel nothing anymore. Sometimes I cry for no reason because I have nothing to cry about i feel nothing. I am NUMB. and that is sad. I let people just walk all over me, control me, beat me (verbally, emotionally and physically) I feel nothing anymore.  I am starting to crave feelings....My dog died - - it CRUSHED me but now its like he never existed, i have gone on with my life without that little guy. I broke up with my boyfriend, which was the absolute best thing for me to do! He controlled every move I made. And for six months I allowed him to do that. I gave up my life for him and for what reason? A place to stay? I would rather go to a shelter than live in that situation.  I sold my truck because I didn't need it anymore, I quit my job because he didn't like me getting home late, i payed for a larger outside fence because he didn't like dogs in the house. I love dogs. I dyed my hair because he wanted me to change it. I did everything and got NOTHING in return. I literally got to a point where I didn't even care anymore. I felt nothing. I didn't need to sleep in the same bed, I didn't care what time he got home or who he was with, i lost it all. I felt like a cold hearted person. I have people come and go in my life and i feel nothing. its sooo sad!!!!! I think that I am afraid to let people in because I am afraid they will leave me. I keep friends, co workers, family at a safe distance so if something did happen it wouldn't hurt so bad. And when they get to close I push them away or I run away. I do not allow people to even try and fix my "missed connections" to my heart. It has a bard wire fence around it. My goal for this week is to love something. I don't care what it is. It might be a pumpkin pie :) yummm....or a flower, or a new song, but I want to feel something. I need to feel it!! 

Depression

Symbol of MY Depression: A Black Rose

How would you describe Depression??

Dictionary.com sates:

depression (dɪˈprɛʃən)
1.the act of depressing or state of being depressed

2.a depressed or sunken place or area

3.a mental disorder characterized by extreme gloom, feelings ofinadequacy, and inability toconcentrate

4.pathol an abnormal lowering of the rate of any physiologicalactivity or function, such as respiration

5.an economic condition characterized by substantial andprotracted unemployment, low output andinvestment, etc;slump

6.meteorol cyclone , Also called: low a large body of rotatingan

d rising air below normal atmosphericpressure, which oftenbrings rain

7.Compare elevation (esp in surveying and astronomy) theangular distance of an object, celestialbody, etc, below thehorizontal plane through the point of observation



Would you or Could you describe it through Photos what would you put it as?? A Graveyard? A Beer? Someone Sleeping? Pills? Medication?




I Would have to describe My Depression as ALCOHOL. It could be 12:00 pm or 5:00 pm and sometimes even as late as 11:00 but when I stress out or feel like my life has no purpose (which sadly said happens more so than ya think) I want to drink. I feel like it gets rid of the pity feelings. I go numb. I can go from crying hysterically to not caring either way. That is how I would describe depression, not caring. And there are more days that I

would consider myself depressed than days that are normal. I have been to therapist, counselors, vacations, jobs, concerts, you name it and I have tried it. NOTHING HAS HELPED!!! I still can't find Gods purpose. My Life Sucks. I can put on a fake smile, which I am really good at, but if you really knew what I was thinking you would be shocked!!! I promise you that!

Depression can and will kill you. I am honestly saying someday's I wish it would kill me. Whoever has said or made the comment that suicide is for the weak, has never tried or considered it. It is a lot easier to think suicidal thoughts than it is to go through it. Now I am not commending people who have went through it and committed suicide I am just saying its not as easy as you think. I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about it. And if it was so easy and if it was for the weak then why I have not gone through with it yet?? It takes a strong person who believes fully what they believe in to actually do it. Suicide is a dirty, nas

ty thing. I am not perfect by no means, but I have thought about it. I have been weak, and still couldn't do it.

Depression is dirty, its nasty. Leads you no where and leaves you with nothing. And dont think you can pick out the depressed people. Be more warey of the ones that look like they have it together, because there isnt a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Be careful of what you say and who you say it to!! Always. You just never know!!

But I can say one thing - - If I have made it this far, there is hope, and you can do it too!!! Because I, like everyone else in this world starts off as a single rose above the deadly thorns and have blossomed into a bouquet of multiple beautiful roses. I have been through the black roses to get to the LIVELY ones!!!

Fav. Quotes of The Day!! :)

Sometimes this is the hardest thing for me to understand, I was just even discussing this when talking about my fathers death. But I have MANY, MANY more circumstances that have affected my life tremendously that I wonder more about God's Timing. So when I saw this quote I fell in love with it!! This has to be one of my favorites!

This quote speaks for itself!!! I just hope its true!!

Day to forever Remember

JANUARY 28TH, 2010 I LOST MY FATHER., MY HERO, MY INSPIRATION, MY BEST FRIEND!!!! Every day I miss him. I know you hear people say that they think of their lost ones everyday but often you wonder do they really waste time of the day thinking of the past. And my answer is YES. I spend minutes sometimes hours reminiscing and wishing things were like they used to be! I can hear a song, or see the beer Guinness, or walk into our old house, or even read his blog he used to keep [scotthagler.net] But I think of him EVERYDAY. I can see a wedding and just want to cry because I know he will never be able to walk me down the aisle, but ha at the same time I honestly doubt I will ever get married. The only thing that changes year to year is watching certain people move on with their lives, and sometimes it feels like they are letting him go. That is difficult. Seeing my mother talk to other men hurts bad, hearing her say things about my father kills me. I know he wasn't perfect - - he used to drive me INSANE but he still was MY FATHER!! Life sucks sometimes and most of the time we wonder why and what we did to deserve this and does God really know the plan he has for us, because dern if he didn't give me a very very difficult ride!!

I love my dad more than anything and i miss him every day. January 28th will always be a day to REMEMBER!!

i miss you dad.

When you look at this picture, you see the beauty of the flower. You see the multiple layers of Gods great creation, a piece of work that took time and genteelness! You do not even think about the thorns underneath, the thorns that could cut you the deepest, and even possibly draw blood and bring you to shed a tear.

That is what I like to think I am. I want to believe I am a Rose. A single Rose in a huge garden. That when you look at me you see the beauty inside and out. You can see that I have many layers of life's adventures. Some are old and torn and ready to fall off but all allows me to move on, but its still apart of me, the rose I am. I don't want people to see the thorns of my life. I don't want to bring people to a tear or fear to be around me. I have struggled for months on out but its now time to blossom again. To be the beautiful Rose I am. I believe we are all Roses in this Garden, Children of the world! SHOW YOUR BEAUTY TO THE WORLD!!!

That is my goal for this blog, to shine new light on new topics. To reflect on the bad times and show how we can make the best of them. Today marks the day of New Beginnings. I believe in me and I believe in you. I will not hold back and I will tell all. I have made my fair share of mistakes and regrets but I feel I still have the opportunity to become the Rose I know I can be!

" I'm proud. Proud of me! I've fought to keep going and succeeded, I felt like giving up but I never did. I kept going. My experiences have only made me more determined to fulfill my dreams and live life to the fullest. I guess what I am trying to say is that I won. And I always will because there is nothing anyone can do to me that will take away who I am." - no name

[Picture taken by Haley Tury @ Rose Gardens in Downtown Raleigh]