Missed Connections

Sometimes I sit and wonder if I even have a heart anymore, and i obviously do or I wouldn't be sitting here writing so then I think I must have some "missed connections" a little wiring problem.  i don't think my feelings, or emotions are connected to the nerve endings to my heart. Either that or I am just a cold hearted person. [which that might be the real reason] Its gone, I feel nothing anymore. Sometimes I cry for no reason because I have nothing to cry about i feel nothing. I am NUMB. and that is sad. I let people just walk all over me, control me, beat me (verbally, emotionally and physically) I feel nothing anymore.  I am starting to crave feelings....My dog died - - it CRUSHED me but now its like he never existed, i have gone on with my life without that little guy. I broke up with my boyfriend, which was the absolute best thing for me to do! He controlled every move I made. And for six months I allowed him to do that. I gave up my life for him and for what reason? A place to stay? I would rather go to a shelter than live in that situation.  I sold my truck because I didn't need it anymore, I quit my job because he didn't like me getting home late, i payed for a larger outside fence because he didn't like dogs in the house. I love dogs. I dyed my hair because he wanted me to change it. I did everything and got NOTHING in return. I literally got to a point where I didn't even care anymore. I felt nothing. I didn't need to sleep in the same bed, I didn't care what time he got home or who he was with, i lost it all. I felt like a cold hearted person. I have people come and go in my life and i feel nothing. its sooo sad!!!!! I think that I am afraid to let people in because I am afraid they will leave me. I keep friends, co workers, family at a safe distance so if something did happen it wouldn't hurt so bad. And when they get to close I push them away or I run away. I do not allow people to even try and fix my "missed connections" to my heart. It has a bard wire fence around it. My goal for this week is to love something. I don't care what it is. It might be a pumpkin pie :) yummm....or a flower, or a new song, but I want to feel something. I need to feel it!!